Top 10 worst hardware box art

If you’re thinking about building a PC from scratch, the chances are that you’ll be doing most of your shopping online. The humble bricks-and-mortar computer shop has stepped aside for the likes of Ebuyer, Scan and Amazon, who can offer lower prices and the convenience of next day delivery.

This has changed the way companies box their products too – because people want to see the kit they’ll be buying, not the box it comes in, there’s no need for bright colours, fantasy creatures and voluptuous women to be adorned across the boxes of the latest graphics card. That was a bygone age, one we’re celebrating with a look back at some of the best (by which we may very well mean worst) box art around.

10. SAPPHIRE – 9700 ATLANTIS PRO

The Radeon 9700 was one of ATI’s earliest success stories, although we’re fairly sure it’s because it was stonkingly powerful, not because Poseidon, King of the Sea, commanded gamers to buy one. His crown, clearly stolen from the Statue of Liberty, seems an oddly prescient touch in retrospect.

Tremble before Poseidon – just don’t get your graphics card wet

9. SOLTEK GEFORCE 4 TI4600

Now-defunct graphics manufacturer Soltek went all out with the box for its GeForce 4 GPUs – not only does she have one of the most terrifying 1000-yard stares we’ve ever seen, but her sword has three different parts to impale you with. It’s printed on metallic card and it’s even embossed, plus it earns bonus points for the engrish software sticker. Although in fairness, she is at least covered up, which is more than can be said for some of our later entries.

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

8. 3DFX VOODOO 5 5500 PCI

3DFX pioneered SLI (the first time around) but it wasn’t above slapping terrifying monsters on its graphics card boxes to show just how powerful its cards were – this horrendous zombie/alien hybrid is oddly prophetic, embracing the undead bandwagon a full 15 years before it ever really got going.

The eyes… they’re following me around the room!

7. SAPPHIRE HD 7770

Where to start with this monstrosity? Not only is this poor woman’s combat gear woefully inefficient at stopping bullets, particularly around the exposed chest area, she also seems to be keeping some kind of small animal inside it which has run over her cleavage, covering her décolletage with tiny muddy footprints. Also, her gun appears to be smoking – from the ammunition clip. No, we have no idea either.

Of all the things this image would make us want to buy, a graphics card isn’t one of them

6. PALIT GTX 275

A word to the wise – if you want us to play it, tweak it, and get more out of your graphics card, don’t put a cyborg ripoff of Starwing’s Slippy Toad on the box.

We don’t know how you make a frog look menacing, but Palit managed it. THE EYES!

5. MSI N275GTX

You have to feel sorry for the chap on MSI’s 275GTX box – not only is he, shall we say, aesthetically challenged, he’s also strapped into some terrifying Saw-style uniform that looks like it could kill you in about seventeen different ways. No, make that eighteen. If that wasn’t bad enough, it appears that his eyes are on fire.

When a GPU cooler is called Twin Frozr, we doubt fire is the right image to advertise it

4. MSI Q965MDO

We’ve spent a lot of time criticising over the top box art, but there’s a point where it’s clear the manufacturer has just given up on trying. MSI’s Q965MDO box looks like it was thrown together using Microsoft Clip-Art – we get that it’s targeting business users, but if we spend any more time looking at it we’ll put ourselves to sleep.

snore

3. HERCULES 3D PROPHET 9500 PRO

We’re going to go out on a limb and guess the box art designer working at Hercules when the 9500 Pro launched was a big fan of Batman. The blue demon seen here is the spitting image of the Joker – it’s hard to imagine there wasn’t some kind of lawsuit. The combination of tribal symbols laid over printed circuit boards is pretty odd too.

Perhaps a visit to the dentist for a spot of teeth cleaning is in order

2. AXLE GEFORCE G210

If you haven’t spotted the one formula every single graphics card manufacturer seems to have tried at least once, it goes something like this. Robots on the box are good, a woman on the box is better, but combine the two and you’ll sell a boatload of graphics cards. At least, that was the plan, but if you try searching Scan for the latest Axle 3D card, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

The god-awful lingerie/armour hybrid being worn in this example is yet again completely useless for actual combat, yet whatever future-army she’s part of seems to be cool with accessorising the uniform – check out the neck bling.

This is everything that’s wrong with the world

1. PNY GEFORCE FX 5200

But it’s PNY that takes the cake with this Geforce FX 5200 box. It ticks pretty much every single box art trope: Futuristic wasteland background? check. Cyborgs? check. Flames and explosions? check. Attractive woman? We can only see her lips, but we’re going to tick that one off too. It even looks like the “skin” is melting off the android’s body, giving it that extra surreal twist. Bravo, PNY. Bravo.

So bad, it’s probably good. No, wait – it’s just bad